Homegrown (homegrown) wrote,

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Turning away from you is like the end

What a few days it has been. My view of the way i see things and different people was just turned into puddy. Something new is forming every second I exist. Existance is becomming more tedious every second before school is out. Existance is turning into a prayer for the unknown. For the aspect I search for, but never find. If i found it i am sure I would not be happy. You need some mystery in life, knowing all the answers would be more boring than not knowing any.

A chapter was closed in my book of existance today. This time I closed it....I am not sure what I like better, me closing the chapter or someone else ending it with amounts of pain that are unknown at this point of time. It all started with Myranda. I finally figured out why I am a Manic Depressive to her. For the first time in my life I was being smothered by a girl friend. I got so sick of her calling every 2 seconds, and all she could do is tell me how much she loves me. She made me feel that "I was her world" and she even said "I complete her." After every single email she wrote me (one every morning) there was lyrics to a song that expressed true love, even though she told me how much she loved me in the email itself. The smothering went in stages. It ended up being a turn off.

Now........friday night I found out Ashley likes me...........Saturday night Ashley and Marni came over at midnight and didn't leave till 2:30. Marni fell asleep with one eye open, it was funny as hell. Me and Ashley talked. Ashley threw her self at me. She wanted to fuck me so bad. SHe would not take no for an answer. She went through stages trying to get me to kiss her. First she was so sweet and adorable.....then she seemed upset and gave puppy dog eyes, then finally she got real pissed and said i was not being true to myself cuz i wanted to kiss her too. She was right....i just didn't want to cheat on Myranda. The next night (sunday) me, ash, and marni went to the electronic festival. Ashley continued to like me.....and marni told me she wasn't going to be that patient and i should act within a week if i like ash. The night ended with Marni calling ash Fickled....me confused, and ashley confused, mad, and storming out of caribu with rage. Yesterday I hung out with ash again. We are closer than i would have ever thought. I can't control the feelings i have for her. SHe is me.....in female form.

So lastnight i wrote myranda a letter saying we had to talk. She called today and I told her my feelings for her are not the same. I told her she was the last person I would ever want to hurt, but I had to honest to her and myself, thus I broke up with her. She cryed her eyes out....but since it was what i wanted she took it better than i thought. The classic reason why i ended it. She lives for me, not herself (that is how she makes me feel)

I feel like I did the right thing. I feel I have a huge weight lifted off my shoulders. It is refreshing in a way. Just because I broke up with myranda, does not mean i am going to go out with ashley. I don't think ashley wants a relationship......she wants other things from me. So i am just going with the flow as a single man right now. No plan feels wonderful.
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